Who am I?
I’m a laborer. I’m a full time mom and a full time wife. I work a full time job. I’m a full time housekeeper, a full time chef, a full time accountant, a full time chauffer, a full time dry cleaner, a full time grocery shopper, a full time handy man and a full time teacher. Am I forgetting something? Probably. You’ll have to excuse me; I’ve been rather busy.
But do all these things define me?
Who am I?
At the end of the day, when all is quiet, the house is settled and the last thing on the list has been marked off, the person inside me has become a stranger, someone I no longer know. I’m not sure if she’s lost or just…gone. But I do know that I must search for her. Search within the chaos and the buzz of everyday life. Search within the heart and the soul. Search for me—the real me.
I think it’s so easy to lose sight of one’s self. We so often put others wants and needs in front of ours that we don’t even remember what our wants, needs, likes and dislikes are. We become eager to please just to keep the harmony, because when the day is unharmonious, when someone puts a hitch in the giddy-up, the whole day starts to go downhill. Then we all know what happens next…the snowball effect that eventually leads to the avalanche. Then it can take weeks and sometimes months to dig yourself out.
So there you are asking yourself, yet again, who am I and what am I doing? When’s the last time you spent a whole day—scratch that—a whole hour doing what you want to do, something just for you? How do you find yourself when the whole world has taken so much of you that there’s nothing left, at least nothing that you can sense.
Remember the old, old commercial… “Calgon! Take me away!” I totally get it.
I wouldn't trade my children for anything in the world, they are my heart and my soul. But I do think that there has to be a happy medium in there, somewhere between mom and goddess.
I’m on a mission now. I’m off to find myself. If anyone can point me in the right direction, I’d greatly appreciate it. No worries, I'm not sad, just determined!
Happy Labor Day to all!
SIS Barb aka Elle J Rossi
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13 comments:
Barb,
I know the real you. And she's intelligent, fun, adventurous, crazy, beautiful, and a smart-a**. She's also much, much more. Caring, loving, honest, the absolute best friend that I could ever ask for. She's ambitious, devoted and determined.
I can relate sista. I, too, sometimes feel that I have lost myself. I know I'm in there and know that some day I will emerge again. But, I suppose it's all part of life. And we just need to find that happy medium.
Now, grab a bat, do a silly-dance, talk to a couple cock roaches, have some Mike's and give me a call! When we laugh together, it always seems to get me back on track. That's the trouble with the world...not enough laughter!
Have a great labor day! Since it's labor day, we'll be laboring. But I'm not complaining...at least we have work!
SIS Bren
A thought-provoking post, Barb. One I imagine many women, and men, relate to. In a way, things are simpler when you're younger, late-teens and twenties, and on your own. No one to think about but yourself--your needs and wants, your goals and dreams. Once you marry, it's not about YOU, but US, and if you have kids, it's about ALL of US. YOUR focus shifts dramatically and often reality--contributing financially as well as attending to your loved ones' needs and wants--makes it difficult to attend your own needs and wants. If not nurtured, it's easy to lose touch with those personal desires. And because we are ever-evolving, those neglected desires (dreams/goals, wants/needs) become less clear with time.
In her book, The Artist’s Way –A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity, Julia Cameron suggests making a date with yourself at least once a month. A day devoted totally to you. You going off and doing something that brings you joy. For instance, going to a museum, or sitting in a park and reading two books back-to-back, or browsing an antique show, getting a massage and facial, volunteering at an animal shelter... You get the point. She also encourages you to write 'Morning Pages', 3 pages of handwritten free-thinking EVERY morning, FIRST thing--even if it means waking up a half hour early. Supposedly this helps you to reconnect with the inner YOU. Whether you buy this book and try some of Ms. Cameron's suggestions or reconnect in a different way.... I have no doubt you WILL reconnect. You're still in there. It's just that you're evolving and you don't recognize yourself... yet.
SIS Beth
Within yourself
is a stillness and a sanctuary
to which you can retreat at any time
and be youself. (HERMANN HESSE)
Bren,
Thank you for your amazing words. I'm sure you know that the faucet is on and I'll have a hard time shutting it off. Don't forget...I am the weeper.
But then I get to the cockroaches and the tears turn to laughter and I know that you are right. We must laugh more, enjoy more, love more. I miss you tremendously and am counting the days until we can hug each other again.
I think when you feel so close to someone it is so hard to be soooo far from them. This summer, while one of the saddest, has also been so important. A chance to reconnect with people who are so much a part of me, the real me.
So sista, best friend, and fellow crazy one...I am one step closer to reconnecting with me!
SIS Barb aka Elle J Rossi
Beth,
It is so true that we are evolving and ever-changing. Life gets so hectic and we forget to take a step back sometimes. Actually, I don't know if we forget or if we fear that if we do, something else will suffer for it. But in the end, you are right, we must take the time for ourselves, because not only will we suffer but everyone around us will suffer. I'm learning that and growing at the same time. Thankfully.
The book you suggest sounds like a must read for me! We do have to set time aside for ourselves and I think it needs to be written in bright, bold red ink on the calendar for everyone to see!
Can't wait to see you, hug you and share an adventure and retreat!
SIS Barb
BJ,
Thank you so much. That is the best quote I have ever heard and so meaningful to me. I am copying and pasting to many places as of this moment.
I miss you and will see you soon!
SIS Barb aka Elle J Rossi
Barb, when you copy it make sure it says yourself and not youself. Sorry about the misspelling.
BJ,
No worries! I am the queen of typos!
SIS Barb
An awesome post, Barb!!!
Thanks, Tori! Happy Labor Day to you. I hope you're enjoying it.
SIS Barb
Loved this post! Sometimes we're so busy with making everybody else happy that we forget about the person we should really be making happy - ourselves...
Thanks, Olga.
This was a hard one to write. I guess I should say...hard to put out there. But there it is now for the whole world to see. Well, the whole SIS world anyway.
SIS Barb
I was going to say that in order to do something for yourself it usually involves money, but then I thought just reading a book or watching a show doesn't cost anything (at that moment), so maybe it just depends on taking the time to enjoy your hobby. I tried to do that this weekend by watching movies and tv shows, and it sorta worked (I eneded up doing other stuff)!! I really have been enjoying these post from you lately Barb, they're thought-provoking and well written. Keep 'em coming!!
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