Honesty. We all know the value of being honest with others. A small lie almost always has a snowball effect until you are buried under the avalanche trying to dig yourself out. But how can you? Chances are you can’t remember the reason you even lied in the first place, let alone how many more you had to tell just to cover up for the first one.No matter how hard it is to tell the truth, in the end it would have saved you a lot of stress, angst and heartache.
But what if you tell a lie to try and spare someone’s feelings? Does that make it okay? Depends on who you talk to. But what if you told that person the truth and they were strong enough to learn something from it and become a better person, a stronger person? Wouldn’t that make honesty worth it? Their feelings were probably hurt, their ego maybe a little bruised, their heart a little broken, but in the end—hopefully—they understand that you only meant the best for them and in turn value your relationship even more.
There are those, mind you that will flip it and flip out. Those who can’t handle the truth—so to speak. Those that would rather blame the world than take ownership in their own. But those people still need and deserve to hear the truth, even if the relationship is damaged beyond repair.
But now I ask, can you be honest with yourself? This is sometimes the hardest thing to do. It’s hard to face the music. It’s hard to step up to the plate and not make excuses for why we can’t. Because we can. If we choose to. When we want to. When we have to.
When it comes to stepping up to the plate with my writing, sometimes I strike out and those are the times when the excuses (the lies) come easier to me. I have one bad session of writing, so the next day…The kids need me, the house needs cleaned, I need a mental break, I need to read a book for “research”, the list goes on and on. But the truth is, the whole truth…I’m scared. I’m scared that one bad session will turn into more and then I might fail. Forget the fact that I would definitely fail if I never wrote again.
So what do I do? I “buck up”, I get it together, I get back in the game! I chastise myself for all the excuses, the lies, and I get HONEST! So what if I had a bad writing day. At least I was writing. At least I learned something. At least I was doing something that means something to me. There are some that aren’t this “lucky”.
In case anyone is wondering, right now I am stepping up to the plate and I am completely in the game.
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26 comments:
I think sometimes it's better to shut the hell up. Seriously. There are times when someone gives me information that I absolutely cannot do anything with. It isn't useful or helpful, it's just stressful and I'd have been better off not hearing it.
You know the old dilemma for guys when their women ask, "Does this make me look fat"? Nobody really wants to hear, "God, your butt looks as big as a barn in that skirt." Which does not mean that you should let your sister or friend go out looking like crap. Just be tactful. "I'm not sure that outfit works together. How about trying this?" might be a better option in answers.
That said, if you're out somewhere too far away for someone to change and they suddenly ask you how they look, don't say anything the least bit questionable because they cannot do anything about the situation if you do. All it will accomplish is to ruin their evening and make them insecure and self-conscious and miserable.
As far as the writing goes? Sometimes the truth is not what we want to hear, but what we need to know. However, there are always tactful, less hurtful, more helpful ways to phrase the critique. Careful phrasing is the not the same as lying.
Hi Mary,
When my oldest was three, his dog died a very sudden death. He was away with me when it happened and when we returned home, I chose to lie and tell him that his dog missed her Mom and Dad and ran away to go back to them. I felt that it would be more painful for him to deal with her death than to just think she was back with her parents having a great time. Years later I told him the truth and he was fine with it. In that instance, I think I did the right thing.
But if someone I love is going down a path that is not only hurting themselves but also hurting others, than I feel that complete honesty is best. It may be hard to hear but they need to hear it so they can be aware of things they may not have considered. What they choose to do with the information, however, is completely in their hands.
I agree with your comment about writing. It's important to know the good and the bad so that we may grow as writers. But you're right...there are always tactful ways of delivering that truth. I wonder sometimes why critics of books, movies and music can't be a little more tactful and less hurtful. Sometimes their words are so harsh, it's like they are attacking the person and not their work.
SIS Bren
When writing the Evie books (aka The Chameleon Chronicles), I had to research con-artists. Con-artists, as we all know, lie. For them, it's an art. In my research I came across a book that stated 'everyone lies . . . every day'. He then pointed out that there are all kinds of lies.
Etiquette lies
Little white lies
Outright lies
Lies of Omission
Exageratted lies (Whoppers)
He explained each one. It was fascianting. And after reading all this and contemplating, I decided... sometimes it is best to 'lie'. However, that said, I do believe there are times when honesty is absolutely best. I think it depends on the circumstances. The best, kindest approach, is to be as diplomatic as possible. I've failed in that regard a couple of times--a lesson not to speak in anger.
This is lame, but I have to say a big DITTO to everything Bren said... well, except the dog part. That happened to her, not me. Not sure how I would've handled that one.
Thought provoking post, Barb!
SIS Beth
Hi Mary,
Yes, I agree sometimes we, meaning I, do need to shut the hell up, but there are also those times when something is huge and is affecting other people and in that case, I must speak the truth. Whether that person can handle it is another question.
Re: writing, I was mainly talking about the lies and excuses I tell myself and to be honest, I hadn't even thought about what others may think or say about it so I like the fact that you introduced this point. Critiques are opinions and you know what they say about those! I hope when I get to that point someone will be honest but kind. I'll cross my fingers on that one. LOL
SIS Barb
Bren,
AW, I remember Kirby the licking dog! I was there that day and it was sad so I understand why you spared the little ones feelings.
Beth,
Sounds like a very interesting book. I may need to check that one out.
SIS Barb
Mary said... "As far as the writing goes? Sometimes the truth is not what we want to hear, but what we need to know. However, there are always tactful, less hurtful, more helpful ways to phrase the critique. Careful phrasing is the not the same as lying."
To which I say, another big DITTO!
SIS Beth
Ah, it is lonely here at SIS today...but glad for the comments from the three of you.
Beth, I would have to agree that people do lie every day and I would be interested to read that book. Mary was right when she touched on the whole "Does this make me look fat" dilemma. Of course one should not be completely honest with that one.
I lied today at the grocery store. I fell coming out of the store and someone asked if I was okay and I said I was when in fact I just wanted to sit there on the rain-soaked ground and cry. But I'm sure everyone who saw me fall was laughing as I would have been had I witnessed it myself. I was "Falling for a long time!"
SIS Bren
Hugs on the fall, Bren! Ouch! I'm exactly like you. I fell off a trapeze once onto a hard stage. The trapezewasn't all that high, but it still hurt really bad. BUT, I was so embarrassed, when everyone rushed over, I lied and said, I'm fine. I'm fine." What I was, was embarrassed. LOL I believe this sort of thing would fall under 'Etiquette lie' as it is (quote from the book) "a polite utterance we often dn't mean...an unplanned, automatic utterance..."
The book: How to Become a Professional Con Artist
The author: Denis M. Marlock
SIS Beth
Sorry for the typos!!! Good grief. BTW the author's first name is DENNIS. Gads.
SIS Beth
Bren,
Shut up! You fell today? Why didn't you tell me? You know how much I love a good laugh!
And Beth,
When were you on a trapeze?
SIS Barb
Well... it was several years ago, back when I worked as a full-time character actress at Tropicana Casino. We (meaning a few of the strolling performers) were taking part in a pre-show in the big showroom. The theme was 'circus'.
Honestly, all I had to do was sit on the trapeze (wearing a flying trapeze/showgirl kind of costume) and look like a trapeze artist. But in rehersals I just HAD to show off. Tried to do a 'birds nest' like I did as a kid.... and fell off.
What a goober.
SIS Beth
Hey Goober!
Nice job, slick! Love the story!
SIS Barb
I may comment later ... but, right now ... it's just more fun to read the blogs that you bloggers are writing back and forth to each other:)! I love the fact that you're in this project together, yet you three still have so much to learn about each OTHER!
I find that I lie to myself more. I am always making excuses of why I shouldn't or couldn't do something. Instead of telling others the truth, I don't say anything because I don't want to anyones feelings. I take the chicken way out.
Hi Richard,
We are funny, aren't we?
SIS Barb
Hi BJ,
I wouldn't call it taking the chicken way out. I think you are really just very considerate of others feelings where as sometimes, I am not.
I also lie to myself. It's easier to do that than go for it and maybe fail. I'm really trying to change that about myself!
SIS Barb
I'm considerate of others feelings. While don't outright lie to them, I do choose my words with care. And that depends entirely upon the circumstances. When it comes to critiquing, no I won't lie, but I don't believe in destructive critiques, I'm tactful, but I'm not into blowing sunshine and butterflies either--you want that, ask mom's opinion, lol!
Lie to myself? Sometimes I have. But I'm an introspective person so the lie, or even half truth doesn't stand long. I have fears, worries, responsibilities too, but I have to be true to me and forward movement depends upon honesty.
Hi Sia,
I completely agree with asking mom if you want sunshine and butterflies. That is brilliant! I may have to borrow that phrase from you!
SIS barb
Loved the classification, Beth! And I hope I'm always honest with myself. But I also believe there are two sides to some truths - ex., frugal vs. stingy, trusting vs. gullible, confident vs. self-absorbed, etc.
Richard... glad we could amuse. ;) And, yes, it's amazing how much we don't know about each other when it comes to small and daily things. Comes from living so far apart for so long. For me, SIS is a special project indeed!
SIS Beth
BJ, it's not that you're a chicken. You are sensitive to other people's feelings. I'm senstive to people's feelings too, although once in a great moon, I do blow a fuse. However, MOST of the time, like you, I remain silent. Unfortunately, sometimes I think it's more to avoid confrontation than anything else. Which makes me much more a chicken than you.
SIS Beth
Sia said... "but I have to be true to me and forward movement depends upon honesty."
Nicely said, Sia. Also, I'm with Barb. The phrase 'sunshine and butterflies' rocks. :) Thanks for sharing!
SIS Beth
So glad I peeked back in. Olga you made some great pointsabout two sides of truth. NICE! I'll remember that.
SIS Beth
Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but PLEASE, Ladies, don't get me wrong --- I was not being in the LEAST condescending -- I really DO like reading the interaction between you 3 SIS's on this blog! Reminds me SO much of the RARE interactions I share with MY sibs, WAY too infrequently. We grow up together, we THINK we shared every moment of childhood, we BELIEVE we were each others' MOST informed confidant in later years -- and what a joy and surprise to find, if given the chance, we really weren't all THAT aware! You don't "amuse" as much as you make me miss interacting with my two beloved sisters --- sorry if you felt otherwise.
We didn't think you were being condescending, Richard. Apologies if it seemed we did. Our humor (poking fun at ourselves, not you) must not have translated well in type. I thought your comment sweet. The first one AND the second one.
SIS Beth
Hi Richard,
Ditto to what Beth said. I thoroughly enjoy doing this with my sisters and I think it is extremely funny when we banter back and forth. Just another way to get to know each other. And sometimes, we just need to keep things on the lighter side because life gets too heavy.
I didn't find your comments condescending at all. I found them uplifting!
SIS Barb
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